My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
You Might Also Like
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
hey, alexa
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Always
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me: