The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
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My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?