‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
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HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?