Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
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After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.