How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
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Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
This chloroform smells expensiv…
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.