Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
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*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.