Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
You Might Also Like
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Not messing around
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Lmao
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
My first child will be named New Folder.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.