I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
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Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus