[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
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A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Passwords are more important than ever.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
*seductively corrects your posture*
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*