The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
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If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
who wore it better?
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.