My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
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What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes