*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
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me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Posting this on behalf of a friend
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.