me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
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Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
How to draw a duck
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday