Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
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You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
The devil.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Hank is one in a melon.
The news is so predictable nowadays
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back