Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
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Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
That’s easy for you to say
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
good work, detective
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.