I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
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Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Haha good job!!
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.