Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
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Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Well, this certainly took a turn
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Oops
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’