A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
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[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.