People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
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*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.