Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
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me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.