If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
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Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.