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*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Kids: Stay in school.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.