PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
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I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.