If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
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I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.