Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
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the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Always…
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.