Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
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One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.