The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
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My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
When someone trying to leave me
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
DOOO EEEET
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.