Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
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I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
I am, perchance
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
im all 3
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?