this is funnier than any friends episode
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Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*