Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
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i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.