son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
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I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Reporter: *ports again*
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.