Lmfao
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Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*