[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
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Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?