I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
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I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.