me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 馃檪
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Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
The calories don鈥檛 count in the bites we have to take of our kid鈥檚 food to get them to eat it
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren鈥檛 we eating 9 meals a day anymore
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
I鈥檓 won鈥檛 try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I鈥檒l consider doing it to others.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
when you don’t want to be too vague
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.