I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
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*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.