The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
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I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food