People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
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Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.