Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
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Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams