[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
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ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.