I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
You Might Also Like
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.