Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
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KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
who will stop them
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Gemma Correll
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break