Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
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You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
pep talk
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”