[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
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My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
2022 be like
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Did…did a minotaur write this
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now