Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
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Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?