[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
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A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
i love modern commerce
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Never let them know your next move 😂
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.