I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
You Might Also Like
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that