Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
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I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
You learn something every day
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Tell me you get it…🤣
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?