As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
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i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Yes, but it was never about money
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.