Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
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Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
This could be us, but you weedin’.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.